The Twins

Well on Wednesday we got a call to take home six month old twins. One boy and one girl. Of course we said YES!! There is a catch, as of right now they are only foster. We are so in love with these precious babies. They are so incredibly personable. Ayden has already made so much progress. Ava is just rocking right along. Anyway, I am on pins and needles all of the time hoping and praying they don't come and take them from us. All of this is so new and no one knows what to expect. I want to ask a million questions of the case worker, like "do you think they will go back?, how often does this kind of thing turn in to adoption?, when will we know?, what will we know?" but i dont ask anything.... I just sit and wait, and wait and pray. Sometimes I want to scream that it is not fair that is has to go this way, but then I remember it may turn out just fine. Any way, I love my boys. They already love these little ones. Eli comforts them by saying, "it's ok, big brother is here" or "hey, its me, your big brother." Cy is doing great also, he wants me to hold him sometimes when i cant, but other than that he is loving it!

getting it off of my chest!!

Caution: I am about to whine a lot!

So Cylas and myself had the stomach virus, then Eli had it. In the middle of all of that I got a call from a CPS worker about a little baby boy who needed to be taken home from the hospital the next day. I was in such a bad place, I said 'no way.' Then I worried I made the wrong decision, so called back. They said that they might hold him until Monday. Well that was on a Thursday. We were informed on Saturday, that he had been given to another family. During all of this, Eric is selling fireworks, so I can't even talk to him!!
I am so down. I want to cry every time I think about it. I don't. I haven't even cried once. In fact, I really want a little girl, not a boy. But the truth is I am sooo ready to have her here!! I feel completely out of control of the situation. I bug our F/Ad Worker to death. I have no idea when she will come, how old she will be, or if it will even be a 'she.' I worry that I won't have enough stuff ready, when we do get the call. I worry that we have too much stuff ready, because we may never get the call. I stalk the internet sites looking for her. I shop for her. I try to prepare the boys but I don't really know how. I can't explain why I am sad to them. I feel overwhelmed with all of the requirements we have to meet each year, not to mention the unannounced visits. Yes, I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old, and I could have a visit from the person that says whether or not I am going to get another baby. And no, my house cannot stay spotless ALL of the time. No, I cannot look the part of a person who can handle another kid, ALL of the time. I think I am getting ulcers from worrying about it. I know I am gaining weight worrying about it. Please pray for us. I want a baby!!! I want her now!!!

There will probably be more post like this, because who wants to listen to this?? But you can stop reading anytime :)

P.S. Now Eric has the virus...