getting it off of my chest!!

Caution: I am about to whine a lot!

So Cylas and myself had the stomach virus, then Eli had it. In the middle of all of that I got a call from a CPS worker about a little baby boy who needed to be taken home from the hospital the next day. I was in such a bad place, I said 'no way.' Then I worried I made the wrong decision, so called back. They said that they might hold him until Monday. Well that was on a Thursday. We were informed on Saturday, that he had been given to another family. During all of this, Eric is selling fireworks, so I can't even talk to him!!
I am so down. I want to cry every time I think about it. I don't. I haven't even cried once. In fact, I really want a little girl, not a boy. But the truth is I am sooo ready to have her here!! I feel completely out of control of the situation. I bug our F/Ad Worker to death. I have no idea when she will come, how old she will be, or if it will even be a 'she.' I worry that I won't have enough stuff ready, when we do get the call. I worry that we have too much stuff ready, because we may never get the call. I stalk the internet sites looking for her. I shop for her. I try to prepare the boys but I don't really know how. I can't explain why I am sad to them. I feel overwhelmed with all of the requirements we have to meet each year, not to mention the unannounced visits. Yes, I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old, and I could have a visit from the person that says whether or not I am going to get another baby. And no, my house cannot stay spotless ALL of the time. No, I cannot look the part of a person who can handle another kid, ALL of the time. I think I am getting ulcers from worrying about it. I know I am gaining weight worrying about it. Please pray for us. I want a baby!!! I want her now!!!

There will probably be more post like this, because who wants to listen to this?? But you can stop reading anytime :)

P.S. Now Eric has the virus...